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Here I am 60 years old! Now what? You remember the song by Charlie Rich, Til I Can’t Take It Anymore? Although my life isn’t as bad as what Mr Rich is obviously going through from his words. There are times when I cry out to God I can’t take it anymore. Surely others have felt that way. I had so many dreams as a child. But then again I always thought life was difficult.

Not wanting to get into that at this early stage of my blog, I’ll start with today and work back.

At a very desperate time in my newly married years I went to see a wonderful lady. Will just call her Nicki for now. She probably helped save my life. She told me early on that I needed to have a life verse from the Bible. After all I was a Sunday School teacher for 5th graders. I had already been a part in leading one niece to Christ. I grew up in church. I mean every time the doors were open we were there. Some of my most amazing memories are from church and the activities we were involved in. I even delivered my first sermon in that pulpit. During the time when you didn’t lock doors. My congregation was the preachers daughter. Hell was a fascinating subject. Matthew 7:19 KJV “cast into the fire”. Even as a very young child I had a real sense of heaven and hell, Jesus and God.

So to keep Nicki allowing me to see her every week I found a verse. I searched and from the mood I was in I chose Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.” Later on as I matured in my thinking I added the verses 12-14 because I realized they were an important part of that promise. That was a verse that said to me God is going to give me a future of blessings.

I had already been thru the first phase of help me I can’t take it any more. Another story for another time. But from that time I was suffering from pure painful guilt. Was I not going to be allowed to have children because of all the horrible sin I had created in my life. But, why did he send me this amazing man to call my husband. I am on my 2nd miscarriage during this visit with Nicki when I burst into tears and said I know I can’t have children as a punishment for all the sin I had caused over the past years. Nicki just smiled that gentle, kind face and said, “oh Kandy, God isn’t like that. Where did you get that from.” And so the journey began for 13 years.

I hope you will continue to follow my story. My life has been very interesting. And I pray that by sharing some of it I can lead someone else thru it or around it without the same heartache I went thru.

May God have the glory!

Kandy

What’s friendship!

The most famous and authentic friendship is recorded in 1 & 2 Samuel about Jonathan and David. They were friends in spite of their economical differences. One an heir to the throne and the other a Shephard boy. Yet they showed us what true friendship should be like. Jonathan even helped save David’s life by saving him from the death threat his father, King Saul had made against him. Years later after David had become King. Long after Jonathan’s death. David remembered an oath he had made to his friend and sent soldiers to find Jonathan’s son, Mephibosheth and returned him to a place at the Kings Home and restored his place as an heir to the kings fortune.

Have you ever had a friend like that? I have had and still have some dear and precious friends throughout my life and have a friend that has been my friend for 55 years. We met for the first time in Kindergarten. We were best friends in first and second grade and all through middle school and most of high school and then again after high school. The fun we had was more than can be told in one blog. We had some bad times also. But many years ago she told me there wasn’t a guy or anything that can stand between our friendship.

One day after Clay and I had settled into life without children, I got a call from her that she needed me to come and get her son. He was already my Godson from birth. I had spent some time over his first 10 years with the two of them. Kept him for weekends at different times when his mom was out of town. At this time she was having a very difficult time. One she had brought on herself but a difficult time none the less.

When I told Clay I was going to pick him up we thought this would be a short term stay. Like keeping him for a weekend. But it grew into years. I believe when you have a child from birth it’s as though God gives you learning time through the their young years. But when you bring one home at 10 you only have a few years until they become teenagers. After all we had been a couple for almost 20 years. Now we were a family of 3. As much as we loved him there was an adjustment for all of us.

Even though there were difficult times during the next 6 years we grew into a family. There were a lot of prayers. We laugh now about the talks and times we punished him by sending him to his room with a TV and video games. He was a great kid. Never got angry. Never raised his voice and was very patient with me.

When he graduated from high school he joined the National Guard and now is preparing for deployment. We love our time together. He has matured to a fine young man. Although he knows his parents weren’t the best parents for him he loves his mom. He wasn’t around his dad very much and unfortunately he won’t ever have the chance to get to know him because he died at a very young age. But he handles that part of his life so well. He has told us he is very grateful that we were there for him and we have told him how much joy he brought to us.

His mom is still my friend and always will be. We talk almost weekly. But I am the one who was blessed the most by her giving me the best part of her.

I believe that David felt that way about his friend Jonathan. He ended up being a father to Jonathan’s son. We don’t know much about the rest of that story. However, I know from my own experience that I am so blessed and still being blessed by the son God gave me when he was 10 years old, 14 years ago.

Is it a punishment?

The odd thing is, when Clay and I were dating I told him I didn’t think I could have children. I don’t know why I thought that. Maybe it was because I had been sexually active since 17 and I had never been pregnant. Or maybe it was just woman’s intuition at age 30. But at least I was honest. Clay told me that was ok. He saw in me something no other guy had ever seen. He told me he knew that there was more to me than others saw. We know now it was all God. After all I had been praying for years for God to please send me someone who would love me unconditionally and hep me get through the heartache I was putting myself through. It had to be someone very strong in their beliefs and someone who could stop me from my out of control, self destructive behavior. He has admitted in years after we married he really believed we would have children. But knew it was something I believed. He was truly excepting of not having children. But he wanted them as bad as I did. I always thought I was being punished for my past indiscretions.

When I was young I thought of how I wanted to have 10 children not all mine but a house full of Children.

We had a great life together and had not thought to much the first 4 years of marriage about trying. We always laughed about people asking are y’all trying to have children. Clay thought that was a little personal. Because sex was good and we were having sex is that what they are asking.

In 1994 I had been feeling different. Clay was working the night shift at the Hinds County Sheriffs Dept. I took a home test and to my surprise it was positive. I was so excited. I called my mom, and all my siblings, cousins, aunts, clays family as well as my good friends and my boss who was friends with my doctor and he called me back. I was on the phone for hours. When Clay got home I had talked about it so much it was Old news. He was so thrilled but not too happy that he was the last to know.

We went through the first several months so joyful like all couples do. I started getting a room ready. We were already getting gifts from family and friends. Some I still have 23 years later.

Then the doctors visit at 3 months. The baby was not alive. Wow those words were so difficult to hear. This time I called no one. But I went to the cemetery and sat down at my dad’s graveside. I prayed. I asked God to please give me strength to handle this better than I did daddy’s death. I prayed that I knew He was there for me and that He had this and to give me strength to handle it.

Clay and my mom and family were amazing. I had some wonderful support and prayers and I knew things would be OK. We went through the D&C and life went on. I got pregnant again about a year later and again about 3 years later but never for that length of time. We went to an infertility Dr but after praying about it decided that was not something we wanted to do.

The most amazing thing is God’s plan for a child many years later. A foster son. We still love him and we have so many wonderful nieces and nephews. The funny thing is I have worked with children almost my entire adult life. I don’t know why we couldn’t have children. My mother told me when she was dying of cancer the first thing she was going to ask God when she got to heaven was why couldn’t I have children. I know that wasn’t something she worried about when she got there but her saying it meant the world to me. Because years before she said you just wait til you have Children and you will see the heartache you caused me 🤣.

For years I thought I was being punished by God but learned from reading my Bible, praying, going to counseling and listening to other Christians I knew what Jeremiah 29:11-14 was saying. For I know the plans I have for you plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. And then you will come to me and I will hear your prayers.

I Need A Miracle

I heard on KLOVE the song:

Point To You

We Are Messengers

LYRICS

How can I forgive when I can’t forgive myself

How can I move on when all I have is regrets

How can I fix you when I keep turning away

How can I make it past the noise with my shame

I need a miracle

Some healing for my heart

I need a revelation

A brand new start

I want simplicity

Where I can rest

But I need a miracle to put my past to death

I know You want my heart

My bruises and my scars

I’m coming as I am

The only way I can

I can’t forget from where I’ve come

And what my heart’s been rescued from

Yeah when they ask me who

I owe my whole life to

I point to You

I want so badly just to finally get well

But I don’t want a quick fix and emotional self

I will be honest with my humanity

No I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be

Ineed a miracle

Some healing for my heart

I need a revelation

A brand new start

I want simplicity

Where I can rest

But I need a miracle to put my past to death

I know You want my heart

My bruises and my scars

I’m coming as I am

The only way I can

I can’t forget from where I’ve come

And what my heart’s been rescued from

Yeah when they ask me who

I owe my whole life to

I point to You

People say that I’ve lost myself

I’ll say I’m found in You

I am amazed. That is my life in a song.

I defined my life after my dad died as the saying “drugs, sex and rock-n-roll”. My drug of choice was alcohol. I tried drugs but didn’t really see the need when alcohol was legal and I got the effects I needed from it.

I always wandered would I have gone through the same trials had my father not died. I don’t think I would have but either way. I made that choice.

My senior year was A haze at Best. I was absolutely miserable. And being home was awful. I was angry and depressed. This was a time when seeing a professional was unheard of. My older sister went to college by Brother was busy helping my mom with getting my dad’s affairs in order. After all he was now man of the House at the young age of 15. We had family support from my amazing Aunts. But life goes on. I was so lost. And angry.

After graduation I went to MSU. Wow that was a challenge. I was not ready for college. My first experience being there I wrote a paper on my best friend Sam. It was returned with a note. “I don’t know how you graduated from high school. This is the worse college paper I have ever read. I threw it away and stopped going to class. Party all night and sleep during the day.

Needless to say I didn’t go back to school after that semester. And as soon as I found an apartment I moved out. Worked at jobs just to pay the rent and take care of the food and beer. I did have some amazing friends. Who honestly cared for me. Thanks be to God I didn’t hang out with the wrong crowd or it could have been worse.

I would drink and cry and beg God for a miracle. Help me God I need help. After all, I didn’t want to have anything to do with God. But almost nightly I would beg Him to help me.

I wasn’t involved in a church but I know I always was being prayed for by my mom and her three sisters especially my Aunt Bobbie.

Looking back now. I had some awesome people come in my life that helped me with those miracles God answered for me

My high school principal Mr Jones, Chuck for giving me a job at The Courthouse, a job I loved and where I met my Godly and perfect husband Clay. The powerful Dr Frank Pollard for the messages he gave that spoke to me so personally.

Cathy J for believing in me and getting me involved in church and My angel Nicki Chisolm for 13 years of counseling that saved my life.

I know for a fact God still provides miracles. I am a walking miracle. I point to Him. And thank Him daily for His amazing grace. He never lectured me or shamed me. He showed me Grace. His love and His Son, Jesus.

May you keep praying. He is always there just wait for it and point to Him.

Kandy

Why does God answer some prayers obviously and either says no or waits on others?

That’s always been a big question for me. I told you my life verse is “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.” Jeremiah 19:11

And I shared with you some of the story about the death of my father.

Years before, God answered a question quickly for me. Being the middle child of the oldest daughter and the first born son, we middle children tend to be a little dramatic about things.

We had a wonderful life as young people despite some hidden skeletons. Which all families have. Through my young years we shared a home off and on with my dad’s mom, Essie Graham and his dad, Paw. You know how daughter-n-laws tend to not be good enough for a mother’s precious and adoring son. Well that was the case with my mom and my dad’s mother known to us as Granny. We loved Granny. Maybe not in the same way we loved my mother’s mom but never the less we loved her. Back then parents didn’t discuss with children adult issues. What you knew an older cousin or sibling told you what they heard thru closed doors. Granny had been ill at a young age and suffered a stroke. She was in a wheel chair almost as far back as I can remember. She didn’t talk real clearly but every time we came in the room she gave us a coke and bag of MMs which we poured in our coke. Yum we couldn’t wait to go in her kitchen to get that treat.

One night as I was getting on my mother’s last nerve about something she yelled at me and called me Essie Graham and told me to leave the room. Storming out of the house I went to the tire swing tied to the tree in the yard and crying I looked up to the heavens and asked God why does my mother hate me so much. After all, I know she isn’t to fond of my Granny. Within a few minutes the front door slammed and out she came looking for me. She walked over and pushed me on the swing and said to me as if she heard me ask God my question, “kandy I don’t hate you and I’m sorry I called you Essie Graham. But sometimes when you look at me you remind me of her. She can give some pretty mean looks and it hurt me that you looked at me that way. She went on to say that she loves Granny but that when two adults live together and love the same man Her son and moms husband things can get a little difficult.” Mom not much of a hugger pulled me close and said I really love you now get back in the house.

As I walked in the house I looked up in the sky smiling I said, “thank you God. That was fast.”

The next serious question I asked God was not to allow my father to die. From my previous blog we all know that God did allow my father to die.

So to punish Him, that fall I went to the cemetery and laying on the grave screaming and sobbing I shook my fist at God, I told him I hated him for taking my daddy and that I no longer believed He existed. You will find out over the following year that was a huge contradiction in my life. I continued to pray and I continued to call out and eventually He will answer another prayer which Brought me full Circle in my faith and walk with God.

The years to come would almost physically kill me. Would bring me to meet some of the dearest friends I will ever have. Give me some amazingly awesome memories as well as some memories that will haunt me til death and cause me pain still when I think of them.

I pray right now if you have turned your back on God, you will call me and let me fast forward. He never leaves you, never forsakes you and will always be there with you or for you. He loved me so much He died for me. No one else has ever done that before. John 3:16 is a beautiful love story of God’s love for me.

May God keep you safe always

Kandy

The worst experience of my life.

On October 10, 1985, did you know that Yul Brynner and Orson Wells died.

But while those events were taking place in my world I was about to take my first 3 legged solo flight.

When my Flight Instructor said you need to have three stops and one needs to be a longer/larger airport. I can’t remember some of the the terms anymore. But being afraid of nothing I thought this will be easy, I’ll stop first and say hi to Jon in Starkville and then go on to Oxford and have my little sister meet me there and since I am so close I will go on to Memphis. What the heck that was Elvis’ Home be cool to fly in to Memphis. So I planned my trip showed Bob, my instructor which he shook his head and approved. I called in my flight plan and called Jon and Jean to run out to meet me at the FBO center to sign off that I was there. Those first two stops were very routine. Off i went to Memphis. Then I heard over the radio a voice saying on the radio Cessna 12267 I need you to set your controls to West after that what seemed to be the biggest airplane I had ever seen flew right by me. The dispatcher is now a little loud repeating C12267 you need to get out of the flight path of all the 747s in a holding pattern ready to land. Scared out of my mind I froze. I wasn’t much for prayer during that time of my life but I did say Dear God please help me. I have no idea how I got down. And nor do I know how I got the nerve to get back in that plane and return to Hawkins airfield in Jackson.

Some fine pilots and mechanics at the FBO were very kind and helped me get up the nerve to fly back home.

But to this day it remains the second most frightening day of my life.

The first happened almost 10 years earlier. The reason I blame for my on and off again relationship with God in my youth was due to this fear I experienced.

On August 1, 1975 my brother and I and our very dear friends the Jones family were going on vacation to meet up with my mom and the other little ones. My brothers girl friend was with my mom helping her keep the 4 little ones in order.

Needless to say I being 17 years old was not to happy about going on what was to be the most boring vacation trip ever I was so resentful that I was being forced to go but yet my older sister didn’t have to go. She was being allowed to stay behind with her friend. This was the worse day of my life. After all I was a teenager

My father the John Wayne of modern times asked Mr Jones to drive the car. That was something that grabbed my attention from the start. I was so snappy with him every time he asked me a question after all I was miserable so I was going to make everyone around me miserable too.

Almost to Magee daddy turned around as to look at my brother and I for a short moment. He grabbed his chest and said “oh my God” after that it was all a blur like I wasn’t really there. They pulled him out of the car and began CPR (isn’t it odd I am still an instructor for CPR) for what seemed like hours they worked on him in the middle of Hwy 49. People would stop and say a prayer. Mrs jones was trying to console me and keep her young children from being traumatized.

I was screaming and crying begging God not to let my daddy die. I made deals. I had given my life years ago to the mission field in Africa. But life got in the way but Now I promised to go back. Finally an ambulance drove up. But it was really just a van with two guys in suits put him on stretcher and told us to follow. Which we did only 3 minutes. Yes. 3 minutes away was a hospital with drs and equipment that could have been used to help him.

When we got out of the car two highway patrol were shoving mr jones up against the wall. He too was furious they had not told him that all he had to do was put him back in then car and drive him two miles down the road.

Then there was the notifying the family. Way before cell phones so we had to use a pay phone Then to have to identify my daddy. When my brother and I walked in I could already see the hand out from under the covers. His manly hands dark and scratched from working outside all the time. Today I have a thing about a guys hands. Sissy hands are very unattractive.

We waited on my oldest sister and my moms three sisters and my 5 or 6 cousins to get there

This is a blog to be continued too much Heartache in one post. Even after 40 years it cuts me to the core. My dad, he was my hero.

Remember to Love the ones you are so blessed to be with right now. Tell them every time it is just a thought. And if you have a teenager don’t take them too serious they will grow out of it.

May God bless your walk with Him.

Kandy

Just a thought not political

Today I returned to work after being off for over two weeks from ankle surgery. In 1979 while at a party in Jackson, I was playing a game of football (yeah in the dark) and fell off a ledge and broke my ankle. Remember I told you of the guilt I had from my past. Here’s one of those regretful times. Being intoxicated and upset because the guy I thought would ask me to this party didn’t; I drank way to much. Not seeing that I was running off of the grass on to a patio 3 feet below, I fell. Needless to say I didn’t catch the pass. I went to the party with my best friend. And had a much better time than I would have had I gone with that guy. Pam was and still is a dear friend. You know how if you have had a few drinks too many, there is no pain and so I kept going. Dragging my foot for the remainder of the night we left the party and went back to my apartment. The next morning I went to get up and get ready to go water skiing which was my usual Saturday routine. But instead I screamed out in pain and called another friend to come pick me up so I could go to the emergency room.

The doctor put a cast on and told me to return in a few weeks.

I did return in a couple of weeks with a hole in the bottom of my cast that I had cut out so I could water ski but not risk drowning if I happened to fall. Now you know why I had to have surgery almost 40 years later. And yes, the doctor was shocked.

That was just an explanation and to show you how stupid I was in my youth.

Today, we were so blessed to have visit the daycare, Mr James Meredith. We were learning about the reason we celebrate the birthday of Dr Martin Luther King, Jr. I called a friend who gave him my number and to my surprise he called me right away and came the next day.

After visiting with the children and taking pictures we sat down for a minute to catch up. Mr Meredith asked me some questions about why I wanted him to come. I gave him the answers I thought were the best I could give about wanting the children to meet him and hear first hand about the struggles of the African Americans during that time. To my surprise he told me he wanted to know more like how could I make a difference and what I thought about racism today.

My parents taught us all men were created equal. Not so much by their words but by their actions. They did not discriminate or talk about other races in a negative way. Their beliefs that all are created equal mostly came from their religious beliefs. What they were taught or read in the Bible. So we (my siblings) we grew up not believing there was a difference. Yes I went to a private school. But that was more out of their fear of what could happen in our schools during integration not to keep us separate from other races. In the sixth grade I remember Henry very well. He was the only African American in our class. I asked him to come sit by me. I felt sorry for him and the teacher asked me “was I a “n” lover”. We went to private school the next week.

Mr Meredith told the children to learn the golden rule and the 10 commandments. He told me he was concerned about our young people and hoped I would make an effort to do more. He was disturbed so much about why three young men would take a child from Kroger and kill him. I asked him what I could do. He said prayer was great but I needed to do more. He told the children he realized as a child he had a cross to bear and that I needed to find mine cross.

That’s sad, I’m 60 years old and I’ve never had a cross to bear not for the greater good.

I am going to start praying to have a cross. Mr Meredith is 85 years old and he is still carrying that cross.

Let’s all get on our knees and ask God to show us the cross we should bear to better our place in this world and those around us.

May God bless you always,

Kandy